Strategies for how to participate but not partake in libations at work events
By: Dr. Janna Koretz
No matter how many times you’ve done it before, it’s hard to navigate after work drinks with colleagues. It is hard to tell how much participation is expected and if there is room to say no, even though often employees feel more reluctant to drink heavily (or at all) with their co-workers. With the increase in visibility of health lifestyles via social media, Millennials and Gen Zers are opting out of drinking completely. So is it possible to participate — but not partake — in these after-work events? Absolutely.
Actions to take
Order alcohol free… and say nothing
Recently there has been a “sober-curious” movement, which has made space for creative mocktails and non-alcoholic beers to be featured more prominently on mainstream menus. These libations look virtually the same as their alcoholic counterparts, making it much easier to blend in with peers who are consuming alcohol. If someone asks what you’re drinking and you don’t feel like sharing, just say the bartender gave it to you. And if you feel like drinking a little bit, a mocktail or non-alcoholic option can be rotated in — the vague explanation of “gotta work on that hydration” and changing of the subject should work just fine.
Blunt honesty with little explanation
While it may not always feel possible, honesty is often the easiest way to abstain from drinking. Like most things, statements made with direct eye contact and great confidence are often highly accepted by others. Simply stating “Oh, I’m not drinking this evening” leaves little room for persuasion (there is no explanation to argue with) and gives off a serious vibe. Most people won’t continue to question after that.
Enlist the bartender
A therapy client once told me that her co-workers were taking shots at the bar, and she wasn’t able to avoid participating more than she wanted to — the group simply wouldn’t take no for an answer. In these circumstances, it’s best to enlist the bartender for help. “Look at this beautiful picture when I was traveling!” and show the bartender your phone, which will have a note on it that asks for water or something else in your shot glass. And after a few shots, the rest of the group probably won’t be paying attention to what you’re doing, anyway.
Ways to think
One thing that makes employing these strategies difficult is the anxiety we feel about being different, which often comes from incorrect automatic assumptions we have about those around us — otherwise known as cognitive distortions. When we don’t challenge these thoughts, we end up creating a false narrative of our environment, which leads to both mental angst and poor decision-making. Some common cognitive distortions include:
Mindreading: Assuming you know what someone else is thinking or feeling
“I know Sam will think I’m lame if I don’t drink tonight”
Fortune telling: Predicting the future
“If I don’t drink, I won’t be invited out to future gatherings, I’ll miss out on important bonding that will negatively impact my career”
All or nothing thinking: Outcomes have to be all one way or all another
“I have to decide if I want to be sober tonight or just go for it”
Emotional reasoning: Believing that how we feel dictates what is true
“I feel like Jen is the kind of person who doesn’t like people that act differently than her”
Tunnel vision: Only acknowledging some of the facts while missing the bigger picture
“Henry always goes to these events and drinks, I don’t know where he find the energy” while not accounting for the 4 times in the past 6 months Henry has not had a drink at a work event, or only stopped by briefly
Even if unintentional, you can see how quickly we can get lost in our own anxieties about partaking in after-work drinking events when we subscribe to these distortions. The best way around this is to look for facts about a given situation.
For example, How do you know “Sam” will think you’re lame if you don’t drink? Has he ever made comments about others? Has he demonstrated other similar judgements in other situations? By verifying your thoughts with reality, you’ll often find that fears about how to navigate these afterwork events aren’t well founded, and you’ll be more easily able to make choices for yourself that you feel comfortable with, because you won’t be so worried about ramifications that probably don’t actually exist.
With a little change in thinking and a solid action plan, you don’t have to worry about after work events anymore. Instead, use that time to enjoy your co-workers, and go home whenever you feel like it.
Dr. Koretz has been featured in many publications, including Harvard Business Review and the Wall Street Journal, focusing on the importance of recognizing career/identity enmeshment. She also writes and speaks on the challenges of discovering and living your personal values.
In addition to therapy, Azimuth provides a set of free online tools that have helped tens of thousands of people, including the Burnout Calculator, Career Enmeshment Test, and Values Navigator. The practice is also developing a values-based journaling iOS app, set to launch later this year, based on the popularity of its Values Navigator tool.
Dr. Janna Koretz is the founder of Azimuth, a therapy practice specializing in the mental health challenges of individuals in high-pressure careers. She has spent over a decade helping her clients face and overcome their mental health issues by developing a unique understanding of industry-specific nuances in fields like law, consulting, finance, and technology.
Connect with Dr. Janna Koretz:
Website: https://azimuthpsych.com/
Dr. Koretz LinkedIn
Azimuth Instagram: @azimuth_psych
